Needy Greedy Love (Part 12)

Gunn backed the new Geo Storm from the back bumper of Thais's police car and sped off into the sunrise, his front bumper gouging the asphalt in front of him, sparks setting off several small brush fires that would later be blamed on careless campers on their way to spend their vacation at a campground. But who were they kidding? They were driving a Recreational Vehicle, an RV. You don't really camp if you're inside an RV, right? Camping involves tents, marshmallows, nocturnal critters, rocks and sticks gouging your backside all night, and mosquitoes--not indoor plumbing, satellite TV, a refrigerator, and those ridiculous paper lamps strung up everywhere like a campsite is supposed to look like Chinese New Year.

When they arrived at his mansion, Thais taught Gunn the famous yoga position number thirty-four so he could sober up comfortably. They formed a millipede, a perfect circle, his feet to her ears, her feet to his ears. They remained in this position for thirty-four minutes enjoying each other's feet and wondering when the fun was supposed to begin.

"Are you--"

"No. Are you--"

"Of course not."

"You ... aren't?"

"No."

"I meant--"

"Oh. Um, you don't have to be."

"So you're really--"

"Yes."

Gunn squinted as Clint Eastwood used to squint before he became all wrinkly and old as the Appalachian Mountains, which are the oldest mountains in North America. "By the way," Gunn said, pondering aloud, "the New River in southwest Virginia is one of the oldest rivers on the planet. Why they named it the New River is beyond me, but if you ever need a definition of irony, you have one now."

"Thanks," Thais said with thanking thanks in her thankfully thankful heart.

"Just being instructive," Gunn said informatively.

"But back to what you were saying before," Thais said, uncoiling from the circle. "I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing."

"What were we talking about?"

"Are you sure?"

Gunn smiled. "About yoga? Yes. It's good for my back."

"I meant--"

"Oh. Yes. I am."

"You really are?"

"Yes."

Thais squinted as Joan Rivers might if Joan Rivers ever could squint. "Are we talking about the same thing?"

Gunn scratched his head, which meant he was confused. He also had dandruff, so folks thought he was confused a lot.

"Wait," Thais said patiently.

Gunn waited.

"Are you sure?" Thais repeated in a positive manner.

"You mean, am I sure that I'm ..."

"Yes."

Thais un-squinted. "Our bodies have been in a perfect circle for thirty-four minutes. We represent infinity and eternity and other circular things like Frisbees, and manhole covers, and new garbage can lids before the union trash people dent them all to smithereens when you're trying to sleep at five in the morning. What do you think?"

Gunn didn't know what to think, so he thought about nothing.

Thais sighed. "I think about so many irrelevant things."

"Me, too," Gunn said intuitively. "Like, have you ever noticed that Andy Rooney says 'Have you ever noticed' a lot?"

Thais sighed again, her eyes capsizing like a catamaran running around on the Great Barrier Reef, which is the largest living thing on earth. "But are you comfortable with this, with us, with our future?"

"Oh. That. Yes."

"So I don't have to be--"

"No. As long as you're clean."

"I bathed."

"Good. Um, there is one thing."

"Yes?"

"I drank a lot of free coffee at the Dunkin Donuts this morning," Thais said freely and without coughing. "It's what we insensitive cops to, you know. We waltz into food franchises that have extremely small profit margins and drink away a percent or two of their profits every single day under the guise of providing protection for the store owners. Anyway, my bladder is about to burst."

"Yes. Um, after you get some relief, then we can snuggle, neck, and generally do some serious networking."

Thais licked her lips, wishing she had bought stock in Chapstick. "Like giraffes and camels on the Discovery Channel," she roared. "Like squirrels in your back yard," she chattered. "Like worms in the mud," she muttered.

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