Naturally, Thais came in at the exact moment of lip contact, scanned Emily/Cat's forehead one more time, heard the glorious beep, saw her man casually kissing the tattoo of a pudgy pit bull puppy, and had a remarkable dream sequence where she was the dog whisperer to Lassie, yes, the Lassie, only Lassie wasn't a girl at all and had issues with her co-stars because they kept calling her "girl" when she was obviously not a girl dog at all, thank you very much, and it conflicted her so much that she contemplated running as a vice presidential candidate from Alaska. Shaken from her nightmare, Thais felt much better when she unloaded three clips of cop-killer bullets into Emily/Cat's suspiciously familiar head.
Hey, Thais thought midway through the second clip, my kid sister used to have a pineapple-shaped scar on her chin where I once kicked her with steel-toed boots because she wouldn't let me pet the goat first at the Al-a-Mode annual family reunion (complete with blank T-shirts) and where I accidentally shot off a mortar that killed Osama bin Something. He needed a new kidney anyway, and where are you going to find a good kidney or a working dialysis machine in the mountains of western Pakistan?
"Stop!" Gunn cried resignedly. "You've just killed your sister ... again!"
"That explains the scar," Thais said scarily. "I just know I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight without knowing that. It would have gnawed and gnawed on me like a beaver trying to eat its way out of Sherwood Forest, like a Republican wondering and wondering what went wrong in the last election, like Paris Hilton trying to figure out why the world gives a crap about her at all. Thank you, Gunn, for once again calming my mind."
Gunn crumpled to the floor like a man who had, indeed, been shot with three clips of cop-killer bullets that had previously shattered the sexy skull of one Cat Mann/Emily Benderdondat. Dark red blood gurgled, sloshed, and babbled crazy blues tunes from every hole in his body, and though the bullets had shredded his lungs like a huge pile of Republican yard signs, he was able to say his final lines without a single rasp, cough, or sputter.
"No matter what you've done," Gunn said clear as a bell and in 5.1 Dolby surround sound, "I will always be a part of your life, Thais Knotts. I will also always be a part of your sister's brains and sinus mucus since I doubt any forensic pathologist could separate all that mess from my body, I mean, they work for the state, right? Why work too hard when they're only going to freeze your salary or make you work without pay anyway? One day, Thais, you'll look back on this moment and smile. One day you'll look back on this moment and either shed a happy tear or tear a happy shed. One day you'll look back on this moment and feel a hot flash, and it won't be an atomic explosion in Iran or North Korea. Whenever you look at dental floss, you'll remember me and your sister in this tangled heap of clotting blood, scalp fragments, and some clear liquid I haven't yet identified. Whenever you look at a Scotsman, you'll remember me and the night we used hydrogen peroxide to bleach your eyebrows so you could make your forehead appear bigger, you'll remember the day we ate all that expired bologna in the fridge and didn't die, you'll remember the morning we--"
Thais emptied a fourth clip into Gunn's face.
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